Truth in My Darkness

Freedom comes from our soul knowing and accepting our most basic truth.  It comes from accepting our lives whole-heartedly, recognizing our feelings with deep honesty and clarity, without judgement. So here I am, (a divine being having a HUMAN experience), embracing and paying attention to what is true for me at this moment.  As it is, right now I feel negative, dark, and broken.  In stating this, I am indeed declaring my suffering.  I've lived through darker times, but that does not discount my current "reality".  Sometimes I feel happy, and other times I feel sad. Through my work, I have come to realize that this is okay.  Extreme joy can only be experienced if one has also experienced absolute sadness.  You can not have the "light" without the "dark". Together, both sides create a whole.  By accepting and embracing my darkness, I can feel my wholeness!  And actually, my being begins to feel better, and with that comes a lightness (all I had to do was write it down).  

I must accept my shadow!

My truth grows from the circumstances I create, and I (egotistically speaking) am unhappy with my current circumstances.  Not to say that I am not blessed!!  I know that I am, and for my blessings I am profoundly grateful.  I try to keep perspective, knowing that even the most basic of life's gifts (food, health, shelter, family) are not readily available to all.  I know that I am fortunate. But, in keeping perspective, I also need to honor what I know.  I grew up in the United States, with peers both young and old, surrounded by a set of circumstances unique to us.  We have faced similar challenges, embraced or rejected similar belief systems, and spent many years working hard to "be successful" in our capitalist society.  Opportunity and an abundance of choices have presented themselves to my generation.  Decisions define our lives...we choose a college, our careers, our location, our relationships.  Each decision leads us to our "now".  


I've made alot of choices over the past year that have determined my current state of affairs. Some I am happy to have made (like committing to becoming a soul coach), but other choices I find I am questioning with lack of faith. Even though I remind myself time and time again, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, something inside me refuses to settle.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, fake and inauthentic.  My truth is not resonating.  My heart feels torn and longing for another reality.  But, I know I must accept what IS!!  How do I transition myself into the "now" when I feel so disconnected?  


Deep in my mind's eye, I know what I want.  I think I am hung up on the idea that I could've had it sooner, rather than later.  My decisions have taken me for a detour, and I'm having a difficult time enjoying the ride.  I need a plan of action that will allow me to relax into my current reality, with the knowing that what I truly long for will indeed come into fruition.  I know that alot of this comes down to me being able to trust in the Universe, a power that has been so good to me in the past. In my experience, the more I've let go, the more I've been witness to miracles in my life.  Maybe that's the message I am supposed to get out of writing my most honest truth.  I think too, that I need to solidify my thoughts so that I can move forward with direct intention.  I need to set goals, so that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  My focus needs to be on clearing the way.  


Faith is being restored as I write.  A sense of "knowing" is creeping into my thoughts, convincing me that I will get there.  My dreams are real, and I need to accept them with a knowing heart full of hope.  Let this post be my inspiration as I embark on my journey and fulfill my deepest desires, freeing myself of doubt and regret.  Dreams spark the reality of one's choosing.  May this "detour" in my life enhance all that is meant to be.    


I dream of living on a mountain-top, near family and loved ones.  I dream of a home surrounded by lush green in the summer and snowy white in the winter.  I dream of a home office with sacred space for healing and for the creation of abundance.  I dream of animals surrounding me, safe, cuddly, and content.  I dream of a young child to share wisdom and laughter.  I dream of warmth and romance and fulfillment as I grow into my maturity.  I dream of solidity, strength, and a sense of being grounded in my surroundings.  I dream of travel and freedom to roam from a rooted home base.  I dream of peace and serenity in all that IS!!  


I know that this and more is awaiting my arrival.  In this knowing, my sense of optimism is attempting to recharge.  The only way I can attain my dreams is by starting with my current reality, no matter how dark.  The acknowledgement of my truth, with clarity and acceptance, is the catalyst for transformation.  With one foot in front of the other, I will attain all that I dream.  

___________________________________________Addendum:  

As the universe would have it, a message awaited me in the book I am currently reading tonight:

"In the landscape of the soul there is a desert, a wilderness, an emptiness, and all great singers must cross this desert to reach the beginning of their road.  Jesus.  Buddha.  Moses.  Mohammed.  All wandered through the wasteland, speaking to demons, speaking to empty air, listening to the wind, before finding their dove, their bodi tree, their stone tablets, before finding their true voice.  I have hope for you exactly because you have entered the desert, following in the footsteps of those few who have been true teachers."  ~ Ray  Faraday Nelson

Thank you Universe!!  

PBS: The Buddha

The story of Siddhartha Guatama has been a centerpiece in my conscience for years.  Buddhism and it's precepts have made the most sense to me as I've engaged in my spiritual journey.  The ideas of oneness, compassion, and the belief in "ahimsa" all resonate with me deeply, as does the power that comes from focusing on the NOW!!  I've read many Buddhist based books in the past, and continue to do so.  It's good practice as I stay on my path.  

The Buddha Room at Summerhill Ranch in Paso Robles, CA.

The first time I really learned of the story of the Buddha was in reading the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse.  I adore that book (and actually think I might read it again).   Last night though, I finally took the time to watch the PBS video, "The Buddha", and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Learning about the life of the Buddha in such a concise and simple way was a gift to myself.  I love the idea that to be a Buddha is as simple as being in the now with proper awareness.  I also love knowing that I am a Buddha.  As are you!  If you have the interest, and would like to learn more, here's the video "The Buddha" for your own viewing pleasure:    

Watch the full episode. See more The Buddha.

OSHO : Aloneness

After seeing his name over and over again on Barnes and Noble bookshelves, I finally went ahead and purchased a book by OSHO.  There's a bookstore here in Austin called Whole Life Books.  It's my perfect bookstore!!  One day I went in, and compelled by an unknown force, bee-lined it straight to his collection.  The book Meditation stood out, and I read this passage...

Aloneness: Your Self-Nature

Aloneness is a flower, 

a lotus blooming in your heart.

Aloneness is positive, aloneness is health.

It is the joy of being yourself.

It is the joy of having your own space.

I bought the book immediately.  These words spoke to me with such a strong sense of knowing. I truly believe that I treasure my aloneness more than the average person.  At times I've even been hard on myself, thinking I was weird or different for wanting to be alone so much.  But it really is in my aloneness that I find the greatest peace!!  I am happy when I am alone and have the freedom to just BE!  I often joke around that I could be a very happy hermit.  :)  I definitely enjoy the company of others, but all in moderation.  I work in a very social job atmosphere, and find myself needing alone time to rejuvenate myself.  I thank OSHO for his beautiful words, honoring this precious part of myself.  I hope this passage can bring you some peace as well.  

December is Past and It's 2011 at Last!!

The last month of 2010 was a preparation for the coming year, with most of our focus centered on establishing ourselves here in Austin.  Interspersed, outside of taking care of our most basic and immediate necessities (like getting jobs), both Tom and I have been working hard towards making our dreams an absolute reality.  I've been organizing my own goals, and Tom has been contacting people to do both photo and film work with, and he just joined a band!  :)  We're getting there, slowly but surely.  I definitely can see 2011 as being a year of immense manifestation!  

Marty Mcfly wannabe ;)

On top of all of our hard work, we of course made time to relax and enjoy ourselves during this festive time of year.  First off was my birthday on December 5th.  We celebrated in simple fashion with Tom making dinner (vegan enchiladas!!), and getting drinks at South Austin Bar and Grill.  My parents sent me some birthday cash and I treated myself to a much needed haircut at Birds Barbershop, right down the street on South Lamar.  It made me very happy!!  

Birthday Dinner!!  

Happy Birthday to me!!  

Christmas, of course, was upon us before we knew it.  Our families blessed Tom and I with so much for the holidays!  Thanks to them, we now have the means to purchase some much needed furniture for our apartment.  We've already made one trip to Ikea!!  :)  I actually had to work Christmas evening, so most of our celebrating took place on Christmas Eve and then Christmas morning.  We made our favorite vegan brownies and watched "Die Hard", one of Tom's favorite Christmas movies.  We opened gifts in the A.M. and just enjoyed each other's company along with the company of Tiger and Brigitte.  They enjoyed all of the wrapping paper!!  

 Christmas Vegan Brownies!  YUM!

So many presents to unwrap!!  

 Brigitte guarding our gifts!

Tom got this great shot of Tiger!  So cute!

Last night was New Year's Eve.  I had to work, but lucky for me, I got out fairly early and was able to meet up with Tom and a few others for celebrations!  Fireworks greeted me as I left work and headed home. I changed clothes and promptly met up with friends at Paggi House, a really nice place in South Austin.  We had champagne, hefewiezen, and my first ever French 76 (YUMMY!)!!  It felt really good to laugh, be silly, and let loose a little bit.  With smiles on our faces we welcomed the new year.  I'm thankful for high spirits and the jolly souls I got to spend the evening with!! 

This was on my birthday....but I kissed him last night too.  ;)    

As I reflect on the past month, memories of 2010 flood my brain.  It was a powerful year, bound by hard work and determination.  I am incredibly grateful for all that has come to pass.  Now, it is officially 2011.  Today was marked as 1-1-11.  I read this posted somewhere with the remark that "We are all ONE".  I love that!  Such a great sentiment to start the new year with.  Wishing one and all a blessed new beginning as we move forward through endless cycles of time!  For me this will be a year of transformation and growth.  I welcome it!  

Embracing Life and The Year Ahead

Hard to believe, but I have already been in Austin for almost three months.  That's a quarter of a year!!  I definitely feel like I "live" here now.  I'm pretty comfortable with our apartment, with my bank, post office, grocery store.....you know, the basics.  I have a job that seems pretty steady.  "Life" is falling into place.  Also, now that the craziness of the holidays are practically over, things will start to feel pretty "normal" around here.  It might surprise you, but a sense of normalcy really makes me happy!  :)  

Austin City Skyline

I look forward to being more settled in the next few months.  I've been rather homesick, and I know part of the reason for that is because we've been so unsettled with things.  Nothing has felt solid or real or remotely permanent.  Though I do question my length of stay here in Austin in the long term, for right now, I know I need to focus on what IS and embrace it.  I am here, NOW, and Austin is a great city!!  Tom and I have barely scratched the surface in seeing all that it has to offer.  I look forward to exploring more of this city with an open heart and mind.  

Canoe at Barton Springs

As I approach the new year, I plan on updating weekly about our lives here in Austin.  I figure it's a good way for me to keep tabs on my progress here, and it's also a great way to keep close family and friends up to date on our lives.  


I actually need to get to work soon.  I wanted to update a bit on our December here in Austin, but that'll have to wait till later.  If I don't update tonight, I just want to wish everyone a quick...

 Happy New Year!!!  

Embrace all that has come to pass, and all that is bound to be!!  I am welcoming 2011 with open arms.  I'm excited to see where it leads me.  Everyone have a merry and safe New Year's Eve!

The Path of Our Choosing

Where are you now?

And where would you like to go?

I reflect and attempt to choose my path with an awakened consciousness.  I embrace complete awareness as I look into the future.  I have the power to create all that I desire.  

Wishing you well on your chosen path as we enter the new year!!